Your Plumpness, I Presume

It is very possible that I ate my zip code in calories this past weekend. That is the chief reason I am going to grab up my brand spanking new I-pod and head to that place they call a gym.

Really, I am really going this time. I can hardly live with myself in this current state of mind and body.

So now the mystery is solved. This really is what the Chubbers do when the fat pants stick to their thighs. I use the word "chubbers" because it conjures up a vision of plumpness. Someone pretty, but on the, well, plump side. Never mind that the technical term at the local MD's office would read, "Obese".  I am choosing to use the term plumpness.

You may now refer to me as, "Your Plumpness."  I like it. It has the ring of royalty.  I can just hear my worker bees  addressing my commands, "Yes, Her Plumpness, how can we serve?"  Here's the deal. I am certain that if I had any little worker bees they'd already have an affectionate term for me, one to signify my exalted rank. Something like, "Yes, your fat ass, what now?”

Well, no one ever said it would be easy. You just can’t please all the people, so why not make sure that you yourself are well pleased?

So now, I am off to that big box down the road. I am forcing myself to act happy, remembering that no one likes a bad mood fatty. If you are going to be in a bad mood in public--fine, but you’d better look the part. Otherwise, the names are going to be flying.

Picture a “Heather” if you will, and now picture her in a bad mood. You will think to yourself, “Damn, she is such a snooty one.”  But at the same time, you may admire her hair or perhaps her fabulous shoes and offer some sort of silent approval.

Now picture an angry big girl. Yeah, I think a picture is not even necessary, but if you insist: She is wearing flip-flops and they are purple plastic. She has breasts that are somewhat exposed and not exactly where they should be as witnessed by the tattoo of the butterfly that now looks more like a Manatee. She is usually chewing gum or chewing on something objectionable, and she is in a really bad, snotty, snippy mood.

So, tell me. What are you thinking to yourself?

 I’ll say it for you.  First off, you will want to look away, but you won’t because there is a certain fascination with the whole thing. You will just have to see how the “other side” lives, and it will quickly become apparent that conflict resolution was not the last class Miss Piggy took at the junior college. Another thought that will cross your mind: chigger bugs. They seem to be far more attracted to the chubby ones. 

The whole episode will be distasteful.

And you will slowly back away from the scene, dumping the Cameo cookies and Cheetos out of your shopping cart, and running as fast as your thunder thighs will take you in the direction of the tuna isle.