Warning: Things may be larger than they appear!

This past weekend I tried on last years swim suit and I have to tell you, it was shocking.  Nothing seemed to be where it was supposed to be.  How could I have misplaced all those jiggly parts and pieces?  Puzzled, I pulled the suit off and looked at the tag.  Could this be the same suit that just last year had held me close and called me lover?
When I bought the damn thing I almost had to take out a second mortgage, except they said I didn't have the income to qualify.  So I scrimped and sacrificed some of my favorite wines for a week or two, because after all, what with the promises it had whispered in my ear, I figured it was  priceless.  Oh, and the promises that suit made... look ten pounds thinner instantly, regain the breasts of a twenty-two year old, become the most popular aging wino- sipping lush in your neighborhood.  And while I can't say I achieved all of what was promised, it did work in some areas (you be the judge).
No, it was clear, what I was dealing with here was nothing short of  an expired miracle.  See, they never tell you that part on the tag, warning: "This miracle may be temporary and may expire with no advance warning".  The tag also fails to remind you to look in the mirror at your rear-end too.   And that is not such a bad thing, because that is where those miraculous ten pounds get deposited.  Yep, they taken em away from the front and re-deposit them in the back. There is just nothing for nothing in this world we live in.  Dejected, I decided I'd just have to go out and whip up my own kind of miracle.  But first, I thought it might be a good idea to be sure that last nights left over Chinese food was properly secured in the fridge.  Didn't want anyone giving in to the temptation and getting sick because of that sticky wrap or a faux Tupperware not properly sealed.  That was me, always looking out for my loved ones, even if it meant eating potentially dangerous food. I'd take the bullet for them.  And you have to admit, the best part about eating Chinese food is the morning after.  There is just no pill for that.  But here's the problem and believe me, I have thoroughly examined this particular problem from every angle.  The morning after a night with the china man is likely the morning you have promised yourself to start the old diet back up.  There is nothing like a little MSG to get you thinking... Desperate now to avoid the fridge filled with last nights glorious delights, I sat down and pictured every bit of  that Orange peel chicken piled high with the Shrimp fried rice sitting in the doggy bowl.  And I will tell you what, that did the trick.  No way could I possibly enjoy those left overs now.  That hound would be eating with chop sticks tonight.  Feeling the strength that comes with a certain knowledge, I opened the fridge up, pulsing with power. But I hadn't counted on the Crab Rangoon. It was almost like that little Asian man set me up for failure.