Bird Flu and Peanut Butter Cups

I was born an optimist, but even still, I know there will be a few who won’t believe this… I have been so darn sick; I haven't even been able to drink wine! I know, I know. It was a good thing I'd been getting my fair share of the stuff before the plague set in. Don't know what I would have done otherwise. So here I lie, (remember self, people lie, items lay) too sick to lift my headie far off my pillow, surrounded by yummy 600 thread count sheets and finally, I have the beddy all to myself. If only I weren't feeling so crappy, I could enjoy this time. Deciding it was my only chance to reacquaint myself with that object referred to as the remote control and hogged by all the men in my life, I finally managed to locate the darn device from within the multiple layers of Egyptian cotton and down comforters and I pushed the button. I found myself watching Kirsty Alley in a new fat show.
OMG! She is a chubby again. Yes, her Plumpness (I am only loaning her my crown) has developed quite the um... Well you know- the girls’ got booty! Honestly, it wasn't that long ago when she was prancing around Oprah wearing a bikini, showing off her new and improved Jenny inspired torso. I'd have to guess that she must have gone directly home from that taping and started eating and just didn't stop. Fat Actress is back and Kirstie got the lead role. Geez, how come I didn't get a chance to audition? I coulda made a great fat actress. The first scene would be me, sick, lying in my fabulous bed, just opening up a goopy Reese’s peanut butter cup (I am sick remember?) and turning on this show about a former barkeep who now is sadly, just another fat actress. Ask me if I didn't feel just a little bit guilty about eating that peanut butter cup in bed while watching a show about a fat lady? Truthfully, for a minute or two I did feel a bit bad, but then I remembered you were supposed to feed a cold and starve a fever and since I'd just recently stuck my head in the freezer to get that frozen peanut butter cup, I was certain all signs of fever had left my body. Nope, it was now just a cold and a bad one at that. Time to call out the big guns, The boom-de-boom. Caution, you are now entering into the soft feathery gray area of my brain that was not completely Nyquil saturated. I startled at first, slowly coming to. My mind started to focus on the fact that I’d lived through another night of severe coughing and body aching. Without even opening my eyes, I did a quick inventory, just so I’d have the facts. Throat- still sore, gonna need something cold and creamy quick. Arms, legs, no numbness, they will stay attached. Ears, congested and popping, ass still fat. Reassured, I opened my eyes and quickly looked in the mirror. And immediately wished I had purchased the 10x instead of the 20x. I was certain some of those holes had not been there when I went to sleep! I was completely horrified. Somehow, while I was sleeping someone had come into my room and given me a haircut. I had a mullet like no other. Really, even the cleaning lady looked better- or shall I say hers looked like less of a mullet. This was serious. Maybe I had the H1N1 or the Nile virus or God forbid, could it be a strange version of Bird-like Flu? Whatever it was, it was bad. Something bad was wrong with me. I quickly jumped back into bed; got ready to swill a little more Nyquil (I gotta finish the bottle-right?) and then I heard it. It sounded like it was coming from behind me. It was faint at first, but quickly, I was sure of the message, "Self,don't forget,there are Reese's in the freezer." Go, run, and get your sick little self some peanut butter and chocolate. There, there. How we feeling now self?
Nothing feels better then chocolate peanut butter cups taste while nestled in your luxurious bed all by yourself- nothing.