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You're Soaking in it

The article was titled, “Why I Stopped Wearing my Bra and Why you should too.” Seriously, did the author really suggest, "I take my bra off?"  OK, peeps, I’m just gonna break this to you gently and without much hoop-la.   I will never, let me repeat, nev-ver stop wearing my bra.
As a matter of fact, I’m thinking about coming out with my own line of bras called, Forever Up There.  Yep, that is correct.  They’re gonna be expensive, but at the same time, priceless.
What young, beautiful double D - wine soaked breast-estes  wouldn’t want to be, “Forever Up There.”  It’ll be just like my BFF Spanx- a miracle worker in a bag.  Except, instead of sucking you in, this specialty garment is gonna hold you up there- just how high you ask?  Well, that is the true gift in the contraption, you get to choose. Oh, and if you have any fear of heights, we've got that covered too.

Here's how it will work,  first select your size and than select your desired level of lift.  So if you truly want to be eighteen again, you’d choose the “You Go Girl” model.  This baby delivers you a third hand at a cocktail party, the perfect spot to hold that wine glass while you enjoy some yummy nibbles.  Think, "Mommies little helper." 

If you're not looking to start your husbands wig on fire, but are still seeking a girlish bounce, we'll get you fitted in our classic "Hello Lover" series.  Guaranteed to have your loved one running out to drape you in new baubles, say that coveted Tag Heuer diamond studded watch or maybe something simpler, like a pearl necklace.  Yes, this series is sure to be a people pleaser.

But let's face it, as the writer indicated, not all women are happy wrapped up tight in these boulder holders and some demand the freedom to go all natural.  These ladies fit into a particular series, still under development that we refer to as the "Frankly, I just Don't give a Damn"series.  This line will have particular appeal to the "Make mine a double" crowd.  Let’s face it ladies- you stepped off the edge when you started wearing the pants with the elastic around the waist (not to be confused with yoga pants, yoga pants are fabulous) and only changing out your razors once every six months.  Once you made the conscious decision to replace your Bobby Brown  moisturizer with Oil of Olay,  you'd already come to terms with not giving a rats ass, so why bother with the whole lift and separate philosophy? Proceed with extreme caution my friend. You have entered dangerously close to the, "So Just Sue Me" group and that is no  mans woman's land.  Never say never.



  Re: Internship II

Dear Ms. XYZ:
Thank you for considering me for the position of intern II.

I am currently what most would call… uh, under-employed, as the field of high-end interior design has taken a nosedive over the past couple of years.   I was a victim of “down-sizing,” (note to self, refers to my employment status and not my dress size) and lost my corporate job after several years of politicking, profiting and back stabbing.  It wasn’t all bad and the tire marks are hardly noticeable.

I now have all the time in the world for the PTA, after-school ballet classes, running my son to T-ball practice and actually, with all my domestic diva skills, I’m a shoe-in for getting nominated lead “Room Mom.”   But here’s the problem; my kids are now in college, and they have strictly forbidden me to volunteer on campus.  With little to keep me busy, I’ve debated going the Martha Stewart route, but since my 401K has gone the way of my corporate health insurance, I have little to work with.  Besides, those orange jump suits genuinely do make everyone look fat.

Here’s the part where I’m going to sell myself.  By now, you know I can read and write, but what you don’t know is that I love, love, love to read.  I’ve been a voracious reader since I was eight years old, back when the Mrs. Piggle-Wiggle and Ramona the Pest were the rage.  Since those days, my reading level has markedly improved, and I enjoy a variety of different genres.  Humorous books are always first to hold my interest, I love Emily Giffen, Laurie Notaro and Jen Lancaster.
Emily’s characters are always so real and compelling.  While reading her work you can actually visualize that the characters are someone you personally know.  Both Laurie Notaro and Jen Lancaster are hilarious.  They are what I’d describe as “Good mood” writers.  Writing funny is not easy and they both have the ability to make you look at your own life and laugh out loud.  Emily Giffen and Jen Lancaster are slated as key-note speakers at a conference I’m attending in June.  I’m super excited and hope to meet them both.

Reading is something that I do a lot of and lately I’ve been doing most of my reading while lounging in my six foot soaker.  It’s true; my favorite place to read is in the tub.  Because of this, my local library has revoked my library privileges.  Some small issue with returning water-logged books…  So I have taken up with the Nook, which took a little getting used to and particular care because of the whole six foot soaker thing.  But ever since my last doctor’s appointment and having to do that whole, “Strip to my panties and jump on the scale” fiasco, I have retired the old Cheetos bag, so no worries that I’d get pesky orange pixie dust on any of your manuscripts.

Hopefully, by now I have convinced you that I am worthy, and you are scrambling for your iPhone to call and give me the happy news.  But just in case you need a little something extra to send my application directly to the top of the heap, remember, considering my current job, this will be a lateral move for me.  And since my existing benefit package offers all the advantages of unemployment, I’d be thrilled to accept this position with XYZ Agency.

As a discerning reader with a keen appreciation for humor and plenty of time on my hands, I feel confident I’m the reader you are looking.

Some of my most recent and favorite reads:
Recent Reads:
Some Favorites:
     The Elegance of the Hedgehog;
       I hate Everybody ;
  Keeping Faith;
      My Sister’s Keeper;
     Nineteen Minutes;
       Something Borrowed;
    Something Borrowed;
     Something Blue;
       Something Blue;
  The Island;
      The Girl Who Played with Fire;
 Born to Run;
   Between Sisters;
     The Elegance of the Hedgehog;
   Handle with Care;
The Help;
   Blue Bistro;
We Thought You'd be Prettier;
We're just like you, only prettier.
I hate Everybody.

Very truly yours,

Rejected Again