As I slowly came too, I became aware of a lot of "white" noise in the background, some hissing and the realization that my right arm felt like someone had stuck a needle in it and had forgotten to take it out. My first thought was, "What kind joint are they running here." That was quickly followed by a deep sigh of regret; "I shoulda stayed at a Holiday Inn!"
"We gotta get your weight," Nurse Cheerful smirked, rolling in what seriously looked to be a live-stock scale. Squinting up at the clock, I groaned, "Are you serious? You don't need my weight, I will just tell you a number and you can divide that number by four and then multiply the results by two and you will come close enough. Who the hell wants to know how much I weigh at 4:00am anyhow?"
Evidently, there were plenty of people that wanted to know and they all had the initials DR. before their names. Pretentious lot. Just because they have like 20 years of schooling under their belts, they think they can ask ME personal questions. Here's what I'd like to know Mister - Lady - Doctor - Sir, "Just how much do you weigh?"
Geez, these people don't take any time to get to know you, they just come barging into your room demanding answers to questions best left unanswered.
For instance, "Do you drink alcohol?" Now, I was not just born yesterday, (another problem) so I was completely prepared for that one. I knew; answer the question, and only the question. Do not give away any other valuable pieces of information that could later be held against you.
So, in keeping with the spirit of my Irish-Catholic roots, I solemnly answered, "A bit". Nurse Cheerful looked at me and smiled encouragingly, as if to say she completely understood the, "A bit" part and wanted me to tell her more.
So I went on to better explain, lest she get the wrong idea, (And God forbid, think I'm a lush). "Well, you know, drinking just a bit...perhaps if there is a funeral or wake, a party or it's Wednesday. But truly, just a bit and I do try to limit it to just wine and I am working on only drinking on days of the week that end in Y".
Humph, Nurse Cheerful was now wildly scribbling notes on a piece of paper and I could tell right away that they were ALL about me. If you wanna know the truth, I think she was just a tad jealous of me, lying there all splayed out in that well worn, "easy in, easy out," it's got nothing on Fredrick's of Hollywood dressing gown. Ha, I had on a gown! Imagine that!
Right then, I knew that as soon as Nurse Cheerful left my room I was gonna find my yoga pants and my true first love, Zippy and hi-tail it outta there. But as Nurse Cheerful turned to leave she mentioned something about my breakfast being on its way, so I figured, I paid for it, may as well enjoy a meal before I go.
Sure enough, I'd only closed my eyes for a second and before I knew it, enter Breakfast - Man. My Knight in Shining Armor, or actually, white lab coat, but same thing. He rolled the cart over, raised the head of my bed, propped my pillows. I couldn't help but think to myself, "Self, I think he likes you, he thinks your gown is sexy".
I smiled and batted my Lattise sodden eyelashes at him as he pulled the lovely silver dome off my meal and rolled the tray in front of me. Glancing down at the food, so as not to appear too eager, I feigned interest like when on an airplane and the stewardess delivers a tasty treat, I always try to appear uninterested, waiting until the last moment to lower my tray table. You know, in a very non-fat lady style.
Remember; never let them know you are too happy or too hungry, that's my motto.
My eyes swept over the waiting meal and suddenly I squeaked, Ah, excuse me, Breakfast - Man, I think there has been some mistake. I smiled sweetly and said, "It's no biggie and I am certain that you will be able to work this out with the Consigliore, but umm... Hun, this can't be my breakfast, this must be leftover from what the guy next door didn't eat"!
One egg scrambled (Who eats one egg?);
One turkey sausage link measuring a total of 2" (Yes, I checked);
One small, bite size little muffin that appeared to have already had a bite taken out;
One cup of decaf coffee-water:
4oz of orange juice.
So, one scrambled egg people? I get more eggs eating raw chocolate chip cookie dough standing at the kitchen counter than what was on that plate. And certain that the other two turkey sausage links had rolled under my bed; I buzzed Nurse Cheerful in to take a gander.
Turns out, it really was my breakfast, not the leftovers from the guy next door. And Nurse Cheerful, yeah she really was a bit more like Nurse Jackie.
Moral of the story: Check your blood pressure regularly, lose the excess baggage, exercise more, skip the bacon and limit your wine to a "bit" less!