So, my mind was made up- right when the light changes- I am dashing in. Suddenly, I spied movement off to my right. Oh, for crying out loud. Now? Now, I gotta get a visit from one of those "right to exercise" people? Here is this guy running (I will use that word loosely) and he looks like that guy from the Subway commercials- Before he ate all the subs and lost 100 pounds (right, like we fell for that old trick- eat subs and lose weight)? Anyhow, he is sort of running in place now at the light and the look on his face, well it is somewhat virtuous. He had this look, that if I didn't know any better- that he thought he was better then the rest of us. Now, what you have to know is I simply hate people that go on a diet and then they act all virtuous about it. Like the chain smoker of 20 years who quits and now just abhors the smell. Who do you think you are kidding? We all know you'd kill to take a drag off a butt- and we all know you wouldn't be so selective either, any old butt would do. So, here is this guy- running in place, like he is trying to keep his heart rate up, or something. Sitting there in my car, I was certain that my heart rate was currently running higher then his. I was probably burning more calories just sitting there anticipating my future gastric delight then he was lifting those brand new tenny's up and down. As luck would have it, the light changed and my car jerked forward, just about the same time, Mr. I feel so Smug stepped off the curb. For crying out loud, does he not know better then to get in the way of a future quarter pounder? Narrowly missing the jock, I swung the front end of my car into the drive thru. From there things really started going my way. I had decided to order a single, with cheese and a small fry, small diet. No, I did not want to biggie size it . All I wanted was something small. Something that could fit into a small bag- a bag that I could easily dispose of when I got home by wadding it up and putting it in my pocket. So later, when I accidentally pulled it out, I could look puzzled at the wad and then shirk my shoulders, as if, "Hum, I wonder where this came from"? And then that little tinny voice asked me if I'd be interested in two apple or holiday pies for just two bucks? Was I interested? Well, hello? Interested doesn't begin to describe how I felt. Interested? I felt married to the idea. When I heard the word apple pie, all I could think of was everything good in my life- from childhood forward. I pictured myself on a swing, my legs lean and tan. I saw my arms, long and thin, lifting themselves up towards my dimpled mouth. My mouth opening into a perfectly charming "Heather" like smile, anticipating the rich apple cinnamon aroma coming my way. Then there was a screeching noise and I heard the someone saying, "Lady, for the last time, does that complete your order"? As I drove away, greedily ripping open the bag, I felt dismayed by the size of the burger and fry and instantly thought, they must have mistakenly given me a Kids Meal...This was no quarter pounder.
So, the other day I was stopped at a light- seriously considering that once the red flashed to green, I'd pull a hard right and hit the Mickie D's take out window. I know, I know. But here is the deal...it had been months and besides, the measley six pounds I'd managed to lose with this low carb crap- well, hell, it was like a boomerang anyhow- sure to show up somewhere along the line- why not the line at Mickie D's? Yea, it was quite a long light, I know this because I'd already had several arguments with "self" and while I don't wanna call anyone names or take sides, trust me when I say, when it comes to French Fry's, I can argue paint right off the walls!
Things lay and people lie- isn't that right? So, the fact that I have become such a consummate liar of recent should be considered normal- right? But it has just gotten me to thinking about how much I really do lie to people, even complete strangers. I don't even hesitate when someone asks me how old I am- I just lie. I mean, come on folks, anyone that asks, deserves to be lied too, don't you think? I was recently filling out one of those creepy surveys that tells you what your "real" age is. The nerve of some people, it actually asked me how much I weighed- so what the hell...I lied. I actually put in three different weights- all within a 30 pound difference, just to see how much younger I would be- IF, the diet ever starts to work. And actually, the results were not all that different- I guess you have to lose more than 30 lbs for the life saving benefits kick in. So, what do you know, this brings me back to my recent vacation and how hard I tried to stay on my "program" of low carb. I got through the first day with no major problems and then on day number two, I had lunch at Johnny Rockets- big mistake. We sat down and about three minutes later some nice young man had delivered a platter of hot onion rings and french fries to our table. Once I regained the use of my vocal cords, I squeaked out the words, "Oh, we didn't order these". He looked me right in the eye and said in his hot, thick Latin accent, I know, I brought them just for you". He had that look in his eye that said, a lot of things, but what I read was, "You need to eat some hot yummy onion rings lady, for they will make your vacation experience complete". Or at least that is what I saw in his deep carmel eyes- there was no judgement there. And in fact, when he brought me my second plate of hot oily onion rings (I told him to can the french fries) he again, had that dreamy look in his eyes and put the plate down with flourish, "These, I made just for you madame". I just sat there, looking at the offering- visions of gypsy Flamenco dancers racing by in my periphery. These onion rings were unlike any I have ever had. They were so big, I was seriously considering using them as a floaty devise out in that great big ocean, just so I could be alone with them. I needed some private time with these babies! So you can understand that when he brought me my order- a small skinless chicken breast laying (there is that word again) all by its lonely self, looking to the untrained eye to be the symbol of all things wrong with my life- I just dipped one of those lovely, juicy rings into the bright red ketchup and thought to myself, "Hello Lover"!