There I stood, in the middle of a cramped dressing room with the well-intentioned German sales clerk on the other side of the swinging curtain calling out instructions.
"You really vant de Spanx with vat dress" she urged. "Ve have size two women coming in here for de Spanx."
Have you ever heard of Spanx? Since my current dress size is somewhere between a skinny-mini two and a big girl fourteen depending on the month or year, I recently gave these "shapers" a try.
I was pulling, prodding and yanking so hard to get the teeny spandex ditty up and over all my various jiggly bits and parts, that my hand slipped and I punched myself in the jaw. And, if that wasn't enough, my legs had gone numb.
"You vant to make sure to try it in vone size smaller then you like," the clerk said.
"One size smaller?" The rubbery apparatus was already threatening to cut off my circulation. Any smaller and I'd....
Spanx are offered in several styles and I was test-driving their deluxe model, otherwise known as the "Higher Power." This is for the serious woman that wants to squeeze into a 3" x 3" nylon casing and then proceed to work it all the way up to right beneath her bra. You know, super duper compression.
This little sausage maker is supposed to not only slim your thighs, ass and bra strap fat, but is said to make you look like you dropped a complete pant size.
Because getting beautiful in a pair of Spanx comes at the price of compression, the genius inventor cut us some slack in the form of a gusset sewn into the " well, you know " the intimate area.
I'm sure they did this because they knew that if the gusset wasn't there, and the wearer had to "go" in a hurry, they'd end up having to chew themselves out of this get-up.
And if you are sitting there all pretty and anorexic shaking your long blonde locks, thinking this story doesn't pertain to you, just wait. While most undernourished women have their faults, missing the public humiliation of another woman typically isn't one of them.
Now imagine this...
You are in a parking lot walking towards a big building.
Ahead of you are three attractively clad women. One of them is wearing pants.
You are aware, but not paying attention to every detail, which later " when the EMT offers you oxygen " turns out to be a blessing.
Suddenly with no advance warning, the pants on the woman fall to the ground! Swoosh. They are down. And I'm not talking about slippage here people. I'm talking about down, down.
As she swiftly leans over to pick them up, several thoughts go through your now astonished mind.
"Oh my goodness, her pants are at her ankles and her 'Higher Power' has made its debut."
And your final thought, right before the smelling salts are administered, is that her Spanx have a gusset and said gusset was offered up to the God of sunshine.
Yes, the "cookie" appeared quicker than any Brittney Spears moment and was, at that second in time, indelibly scorched on your now fragile psyche.
I kid you not, this is a true story; you just can't make stuff like this up.