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Thursday

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is Sunday. It will be my 37th Mother's Day as a "motherless daughter". Over the years, I have celebrated many milestones as a motherless daughter and as this Sunday approaches, I can't help but wonder what life would have been like to have had my mother by my side through them all.
When you become motherless, it is such a shock, a numbness envelops you and everything you see and experience is judged through the eyes of this loss. Your equilibrium is off, nothing looks the same. Prior to losing my mom, I thought like many little kids, that nothing bad could happen to my family. But after her death, I was scared for years that something bad would happen, I guess I was waiting for that " other shoe" to drop. Because I knew then- we had no immunity to loss, the safety net had been pulled.
Because I lost my mom at such an early age, for virtually most of my childhood and all of my adult life I have been in this constant state of being "motherless" and attempting to, at first- cover it up and then, later blaming it on my many short comings. But now, at my ripe old age, I understand the loss for all that it is and all that it is not. For many years my yearning to have my mother back was palpable. I would close my eyes at night and hug my pillow tight, trying to recapture her essence and remembering what her voice sounded like. I would cry myself to sleep asking her to come home and begging God to return her to me. I was just a kid, I'd tell Him, why would you do this to a kid, I'd ask? Right after my mom died I decided that I hated God, I was so angry at Him, and at my mom for leaving and bitter towards my dad for staying. Guess you could say I was one sad motherless kid.
I don't remember much of my childhood prior to losing my mom. It was almost like my mom died and there was this vacuum that came along and sucked dry my memories of her placing them in one of those old fashioned bags with the rubber gasket, you can't really get your hand into the bag, and you can only shake out "bits and pieces". But I do remember that I thought my mom was the most beautiful mom in the world. And I remember how safe she made me feel. Once when I was in third grade I slipped on the ice at school and had to go to the nurse’s station where she called my mom to pick me up. I never once cried until I saw my mom walking towards me and then I let loose a torrent of tears. Holding me close she asked me if my head hurt really bad and I told her, no, I was just so happy that she came for me, I couldn’t help balling like a baby.
The crying or really the sobbing continued on a regular basis after my mom died. I was so damn sad and felt so ripped off. I questioned why God had chosen to wreck our family. We used to have such a great family.
I have some memories of my mom being sick prior to her death. But really, I didn’t understand how sick she was. I wanted to host the end of the school year party at my house and my mom agreed. But then my dad told me that just wasn’t going to work out. I was furious. I’d already announced the party to all my friends. It was a tradition, one family would host the end of year party and I wanted that party at my house that year. I cried and screamed at my mom. I asked her why she had to be sick and I told her that I was angry with her for being sick. I was certain she didn’t love me and that was the real reason. I also told her that I didn't love her anymore, I wanted to hurt her, so I lashed out, like kids sometimes do. Really, I had no idea just what I was coming up against. For years after her death, I would feel so heart sick over the things I said that day. I tried granting myself forgiveness, as I was certain she had forgiven me long before she'd closed her eyes for that last time on that early June morning. That date, frozen on a calendar for myself and my six siblings became such a symbol of sadness and loss in my family.

When my mom died she was a mother, a wife, a sister and a daughter, all the things that I find familiar myself, as I write this. Whether I recognize it or not, the foot steps I take each day are identical as hers' 37 years ago. Today, I walk as a mother, a wife, a sister and proudly, my mother's daughter. This Sunday, I will remember my mom and be grateful that in the short time I had here with her she left with me her indelible mark of goodness and the gift to love and forgive, as only a mother can do. Happy Mother's Day, Mom. I love you!

10 comments:

  1. Loved it. Had to quit reading it at one point and return to it later because I didn't want to remember it all during my work day...Not too many things have the power to change you forever but this sure did. How different would it all be if we could go back and change the outcome? Think about that. We wouldn't have come to Fla. which means I wouldn't have met Bill, which means Allie, Kathleen and Bobby wouldn't be here... What I wouldn't give for one more visit.

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  2. Mary, I love you so much! I never realized as a child myself, how much pain you were in. It was too devastating to contemplate. You have revealed a side of yourself that I have rarely if ever seen. Your loss was unimagineable as a 10 year old. You are most certainly coming in to your own, my friend. At this stage ofour lives, it is much like a comfortable old pair of oyur favorite shoes.

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  3. p.s. I am "Nai Nai" Mary.
    paula

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  4. How sorry I was to read your story. It was sad and made me remember all the stuff I have tried to forget. I had 6 more years with Mom than you had. I cried all the time, too. And every year, on that June date, I would go to church to pray and remember Mom. And every single time I would be in that church pew, and the tears would flow. I did that for about 15 years. I actually dreaded going to church on that date because I knew what I would have to go through again. I have neatly packed away all that pain now. Now I have the hurt of losing Dad. That's still fresh.

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  5. Beautiful post Mary!! Your mom watches over you even today, keep those memories tight and God will bring you comfort as he always does. Nicole H

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  6. Mary, It was a spur-of-the-moment trip over to Park Avenue when the kids were babies. I remember asking you, innocently, of your mother, and you telling me about your unexpected loss of her at such a young age. I have thought of that conversation so many times since then, me, trying to raise three girls. Wondering what they'd be without ME.
    Your mom has got to be so proud of you.(and Olivia and Taylor!)
    I enjoy your blog immensely.
    Happy Mother's Day!
    Jennifer

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  7. Wow Mary that was beautifully written. This is only my second year without having my mom on Mothers' Day. I was so blessed to have had her in my life for many years. She was 93 when she passed away two years ago. She will always be close to my heart as she was my inspiration, the one who had faith in me always and who always stood by my me in the brightest day and darkest night. The memory of her goodness and devotion will never fade. She supported and encouraged me and I might not have grown up to the confident person I am today if it wasn't for her love. Happy Mothers' Day Mary! I really enjoy reading your blogs.

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  8. Ah, Mary, You write for the world. Reading your words helps make me feel "normal" because you speak for me. I have felt for years that I was somehow flawed or too damaged by my losses, but you make me realize how human I am. You reach out and speak for all of us motherless daughters and daughterless mothers. Bless ya!

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  9. Mary,I'm so glad you are back in my life.

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  10. oh sorry it's Rosemary

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