Blogger me this HG...

Another blogger got a "deal". And this one, my heart be still, is with HGTV. This blogger is evidently really famous (and why haven't I heard of her, I am just saying...) as the "Mommyblogger". Forbes named her one of the most influential women in media. Along with Kelly Ripa (Really? Like how many of you bought into the cookies she baked in that Electrolux?). So, I am like, really HGTV. Really? You picked a Heather over me? You know, it was always the Heathers that got to be the cheerleaders and got picked to be the class presidents. You must remember the Heathers from your school, right? Short, cute, blond, basically everything you weren't. I can remember hanging out in the girl's bathroom smoking a cigarette when a Heather would come in all excited, "Like really, I cannot believe it, Jonathon Draper just told me I was, like cute and all". I'd be like, "Really like, the guy that bought me this fifth of Jack Daniels told me I'd be like, really totally pretty if I stopped wearing overalls and biting my nails". Here's the deal, the world is full of Heathers and you just have to work at taking them out one blog at a time. The fact that this Heather got her gig with HG is really the part that is hard to swallow. So hard in fact, I almost choked on my frozen Cameo cookies this morning. I wasn't gonna do it, I was going to start with a bowl of Special K, but then I saw the cake that daughter Judy made last night and I thought to myself, "Self, are you going to start yet another Monday out with cake". Self was feeling rather strong this morning and shot back, "Hell no, we are starting with Cameo cookies and we may finish with the cake"! So, of course that whole plan got shot to hell as I opened up the HGTV site to this rather disarming news. Another blogger makes it big! So I started looking at her site to see if she simply got chosen for her looks, etc., and here is what I found. The site had really important questions on it, like, What did your prom dress look like and how often do you wash your bra? I am not making this stuff up people. How often do you wash your bra? Since I sorta have a thing about bras and most of my stress dreams are of me getting on a plane without my bra on, I quickly zoned in and thought, "self, you got bra on"? And of course, I did not. I may have been at work, but my current working conditions allow for this sort of apparel, you know, the into the sheets and out on the streets, black leggings with a favorite well- washed zippy? Last year, I sort of gave up on the athletic zippies and went for the more universal look. The way I figured it, I wasn't fooling anyone about my athletic prowess with the flip flops and all. And my prom dress, "What did it look like"? Well, it sort of looked like what I described above, a pack of Marboro Lite 100's (I wasn't ghetto- always got the slim 100's) and a shot of JD. Yeah, it wasn't until years after my prom that I got introduced to Cheetos. In fact, I think if the orange stuff had come into my life a little earlier, things could have worked out a bit differently for me. I could be the one giving "Mommy" advice. I mean, I know all about bras and I could make up the stuff about prom dresses. I'll just bet the next dollar I make (and when that time comes around, I will let you all know) that this, Heather, has no idea what happens when you are wearing a double D and then you, gulp get pregnant. Right? Yes, Heather, there really is a "Boob Santa" and he doesn't have MD in front of his name. Those of us that have had the pleasure of walking into maternity stores to a bevy of Heathers secretly thinking to themselves, "Shouldn't she be at the plus sized store"? And then having to ask if they carry any over the shoulder boulder holders that would work for these (pointing downward)? And then suddenly for the first time recognizing that you have a bit of a snack, now hanging delicately from your bosom. Of course, your first instinct is to wonder how in the heck did you miss that tasty morsel at lunch and then quickly eat it and savour the fact that the snack you'd been craving ever since you finished lunch has been right in front of you all this time. But of course, this sort of behavior would never do in front of this group of Heathers that have now gathered around hoping to get a glimpse of someone that could possibly be that far down in the food- err alphabet chain.