Blogger me this HG...

Another blogger got a "deal". And this one, my heart be still, is with HGTV. This blogger is evidently really famous (and why haven't I heard of her, I am just saying...) as the "Mommyblogger". Forbes named her one of the most influential women in media. Along with Kelly Ripa (Really? Like how many of you bought into the cookies she baked in that Electrolux?). So, I am like, really HGTV. Really? You picked a Heather over me? You know, it was always the Heathers that got to be the cheerleaders and got picked to be the class presidents. You must remember the Heathers from your school, right? Short, cute, blond, basically everything you weren't. I can remember hanging out in the girl's bathroom smoking a cigarette when a Heather would come in all excited, "Like really, I cannot believe it, Jonathon Draper just told me I was, like cute and all". I'd be like, "Really like, the guy that bought me this fifth of Jack Daniels told me I'd be like, really totally pretty if I stopped wearing overalls and biting my nails". Here's the deal, the world is full of Heathers and you just have to work at taking them out one blog at a time. The fact that this Heather got her gig with HG is really the part that is hard to swallow. So hard in fact, I almost choked on my frozen Cameo cookies this morning. I wasn't gonna do it, I was going to start with a bowl of Special K, but then I saw the cake that daughter Judy made last night and I thought to myself, "Self, are you going to start yet another Monday out with cake". Self was feeling rather strong this morning and shot back, "Hell no, we are starting with Cameo cookies and we may finish with the cake"! So, of course that whole plan got shot to hell as I opened up the HGTV site to this rather disarming news. Another blogger makes it big! So I started looking at her site to see if she simply got chosen for her looks, etc., and here is what I found. The site had really important questions on it, like, What did your prom dress look like and how often do you wash your bra? I am not making this stuff up people. How often do you wash your bra? Since I sorta have a thing about bras and most of my stress dreams are of me getting on a plane without my bra on, I quickly zoned in and thought, "self, you got bra on"? And of course, I did not. I may have been at work, but my current working conditions allow for this sort of apparel, you know, the into the sheets and out on the streets, black leggings with a favorite well- washed zippy? Last year, I sort of gave up on the athletic zippies and went for the more universal look. The way I figured it, I wasn't fooling anyone about my athletic prowess with the flip flops and all. And my prom dress, "What did it look like"? Well, it sort of looked like what I described above, a pack of Marboro Lite 100's (I wasn't ghetto- always got the slim 100's) and a shot of JD. Yeah, it wasn't until years after my prom that I got introduced to Cheetos. In fact, I think if the orange stuff had come into my life a little earlier, things could have worked out a bit differently for me. I could be the one giving "Mommy" advice. I mean, I know all about bras and I could make up the stuff about prom dresses. I'll just bet the next dollar I make (and when that time comes around, I will let you all know) that this, Heather, has no idea what happens when you are wearing a double D and then you, gulp get pregnant. Right? Yes, Heather, there really is a "Boob Santa" and he doesn't have MD in front of his name. Those of us that have had the pleasure of walking into maternity stores to a bevy of Heathers secretly thinking to themselves, "Shouldn't she be at the plus sized store"? And then having to ask if they carry any over the shoulder boulder holders that would work for these (pointing downward)? And then suddenly for the first time recognizing that you have a bit of a snack, now hanging delicately from your bosom. Of course, your first instinct is to wonder how in the heck did you miss that tasty morsel at lunch and then quickly eat it and savour the fact that the snack you'd been craving ever since you finished lunch has been right in front of you all this time. But of course, this sort of behavior would never do in front of this group of Heathers that have now gathered around hoping to get a glimpse of someone that could possibly be that far down in the food- err alphabet chain.

Don't look at me!

OK, so here is my question...Am I the only one that is wondering just what they'd look like in this new airport screening method? I have seen several examples, but just like in the magazines, they are always using pretty, thin examples. I wonder just what I'd look like in the monitor? Would I be able to hear the gasps of the technician viewing the monitor? Or, like with c-scans, where I have heard if you are too grande, they can't get a good picture- would that be the case here? Oh, and God forbid, would they then pull me out of the line for a, gasp...strip search? It used to be that I hated to fly, not because I was afraid of terrorists, but because I was afraid that when all those incontinent people kept running to the restroom, they'd upset the equilibrium of the plane. Now, I have another worry, the screening process. I have to say in the past when I'd go through the screening process and they'd ask me to take off my sweater, I'd always lie and say it was one piece. I'd only say this because what ever I had on underneath was sleeveless and you have to understand this about me, I will stop only short of murder, rather then show my upper arms in a room full of strangers. And believe me, some of those woman in charge of the screening process, well, let's just say, they ought not be showing their upper arms either! So, this new screening method, what do you think? While I think we do need to do whatever we can to stop these zealots from blowing up planes, I have to say, I feel a little trepidation with this new process. You have to lift your arms up in the air, so exposed and what about my under wire? Will that present a problem? Great, next thing, they will make you take your bra off. And I have to tell you, that will stop me from flying. If I were to wake up in the middle of the night with my house on fire, that would be the first and last thing I'd grab. I'd let all those family keepsakes go up in smoke, but I'd never leave my armor behind. Haven't you seen those early morning stories on house fires? Think about it... The first thing you will notice is their lack of the bare necessities! Yeah, I picture myself running into the bushes behind my burning house and quickly slipping into my minimizer bra. I see myself emerging from those bushes, my hair on fire and my "girls" perfectly positioned for the cameras.