My Milkshake Brings...

Sometimes we just have to stop and thank God for all the wonderful things He has put in our lives. I mean even when things don't go the way you'd planned, just thank your lucky stars, because when one door closes, another is sure to open, right?

This is exactly what I was thinking this morning. I was watching the Later Today Morning Show and I said to myself, "Self, how lucky you are."
I was certain at that moment that all the trials I have gone through led me to exactly that very second in time, watching Hoda and Kathie Lee marvel about the wonders of the "Milk Shake" bra. Would I kid you?

Now when you exclaim that your milk shake brings all the boys, you won't be just talking smack! 'Darn right, it is better than yours!'

Seriously, do I need my breastestes (Pronounced, breast-test-es) bathed in milk? I mean, if they are in need of vitamin D, why not just go French and expose those girls to some sunshine?

But what really got my attention was the cup-less cleavage wrinkle reducer. That is what I need in my life, another wrinkle reducer. It is not bad enough that I am spending money I don't have on facials and injections, but now I gotta go get something to erase the ever growing road map on my decolletage? Basically, it is a big-girl bra, without the cups. It has a very large padded area between the breasts, so it is my guess that the "experts" have decided that leaving the breasts swinging, but not touching, is the cure for these pesky (note-I did not say perky) little chest wrinkles.

Honestly, it looks like some type of 70's invention you'd find advertised in the back of Cosmo. OK people, it is time to get real here. Once you have made all your brassiere purchases, be sure you take a look at the butt booster. Yep. Gives all new meaning to finding your ass in a sling. This little contraption is guaranteed to give you the lift you've been looking for.

But here's the thing...does a big bottom look better in a sling, or out of a sling? You be the judge. Personally, I think I'd rather see the retreating backside of a plain old big ass, rather than a big, uppity in your face rear, which is what I am picturing my big ass to look like in the butt booster. I think I will just stick to my Spanx, where my "gussie" doesn't care if it is up or down. Thank God!

Shopping Blues

Once again I found myself wandering the isles at one of my favorite retailers, this time it was TJ Max. I know now that there is something bad wrong with me, but what I am uncertain of, is if it is a bad thing- or not. OK. before I go on and skip over my little problem, let me ask you this... Does anyone else find themselves in stores like Home Goods, TJ, Target, BB&B and find themselves putting random items in their carts? Like do you really need another or even better yet, one set of cocktail plates that have chandeliers on them? Trust me on this, you don't. Or how about salt and pepper shakers? Did I need two packs of mini salt and pepper shakers with six sets in each box? Ummm...let me think about that. See, when I put them in the cart I was conjuring up images of me dancing around a beautifully set holiday table for twelve. I looked about 20 pounds thinner, my manny and pedi was perfect and my hair was, well it was having a good day and I was certainly not my normal pre-holiday self- frazzled and in a bad mood right up until the party goers or Jack Daniels arrives, which ever comes first.
No, those shakers completely morphed me into Betty Freakin Crocker. The same things is true with the Calphalon Cookware-which touted that it was "new innovative" cookware. Yeah, it was innovative all right. It had all these little ridges in the pan, so that in my mind, I again started daydreaming and saw myself flipping that perfect grilled panini, complete with the Panera-like grill marks onto that cute little chandelier cocktail plate. I'd then run over and mix a fabulous Cosmo in one of those adorable, I just couldn't resist multi-colored martini glasses and offer up to my husband the nifty new pepper grinder that was sure to please. Yeah, I got it bad. But lest you think that this ends badly, let me assure you of this. At the end of the day, we slide into those special sale, slash,slash 700 thread count sheets and it is pure luxury! So here's the new deal... Now when I go into these stores, I still do my thing, which is if anything catches my eye, I put it in the cart. Then once I have been working on filling up that cart- I call myself to order and say, "Well, self, it is time to do a cart check". From there I proceed to toss things out or I just look down at the mess in my cart and slowly come back to reality, the music stops playing and I just simply walk away. By the time I get into my car I am screaming with laughter. It just feels so good to put it in my cart- imagine my life with these random items and then just walk away. I feel like I really owned those salt and pepper shakers, even if it was short lived. They are now outta my system. Now when the holiday rolls around and I have to pull out the "picnic" version shakers, I'll admit to pangs of remorse, but that is quickly chased away by the twelve Cosmo's I proceed to imbibe in. It seems that some things do manage to make it to the checkout counter!